The Election of 2016

With apologies to Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Format flagrantly copied from:
http://genius.com/Lin-manuel-miranda-the-election-of-1800-lyrics

[FULL COMPANY]
The election of 2016…

[HILLARY]
Can we wrap up the politics?

[KAINE]
Please?

[HILLARY]
Yo. Ev’ry action has an equal, opposite reaction
Well Bernie found his base, but lacked my super delegate traction

Poor moderate republicans, they are missing in action
So now I’m facing-

[HILLARY AND KAINE]
Donald Trump?!

[HILLARY]
With his own faction?

[KAINE]
He’s very attractive to The Bern’d. Dissatisfaction’s rampant.

[HILLARY]
He’s not very in line with Senator Sanders’ stances…

[KAINE]
Ask him a question, he rants, he taunts, he flaunts his YUGE finances!

[HILLARY]
And they say I’m establishment – at least they know I know what that is!

[KAINE]
Clinton, that’s the problem – see, they see Trump as a less mainstream you

[HILLARY]
Enh?

[KAINE]
You need to change course,
A key endorsement might redeem you

[HILLARY]
Who did you have in mind?

[KAINE]
Don’t laugh

[HILLARY]
Who is it?

[KAINE]
He made you rewrite half your platf-

[HILLARY]
Whaaaat

[KAINE]
It might be nice, it might be nice
To get Bernie on your side

[KAINE AND HILLARY]
It might be nice, it might be nice
To get Bernie on your side

[TRUMP]
Think less!

[ENSEMBLE]
Trump!

[TRUMP]
Rile more!

[ENSEMBLE]
Trump!

[TRUMP]
Just let them know who you’re against
not what you’re for!

[ENSEMBLE]
Trump!

[TRUMP]
Call him a dope!

[ENSEMBLE]
Trump!

[TRUMP]
She’s dumb!

[ENSEMBLE]
Trump!

[TRUMP]
But come November, ladies, tell your husbands – vote for Trump!

[DEM VOTER 1]
I wanted Sanders!

[DEM VOTER 2]
Well, he didn’t win the nomination.

[DEM VOTER 3]
And Hillary?

[TWO DEM VOTERS]
In love with banks!

[BERNIE-OR-BUST-ER]
Such an abomination!

[TWO GOP VOTERS]
I like that Donald Trump!

[GOP VOTER 1]
He’s such an awesome businessman!

[GOP VOTER 2]
He tells it like it is…?

[GOP VOTER 3]
He’ll make America great again!!

[BERNIE SUPPORTERS]
Dear Mr. Senator:
your fellow democrats would like to know
how you’ll be voting

[SANDERS]
It’s quiet off stage…

[BERNIE SUPPORTERS]
Dear Mr Senator:
we’re angry you don’t stand a chance,
but who are you promoting?

[SANDERS]
It’s quiet off stage…

[ENSEMBLE]
Hillary or Trump? (Hillary or Trump?)
We know it’s lose-lose!
Hillary or Trump? (Hillary or Trump?)
But if you had to choose!
Dear Mr. Senator:
we’re angry you don’t stand a chance,
but who are you promoting?
But if you had to choose

[SANDERS]
Well, if it isn’t Donald Trump. ‘sup?

[TRUMP]
Mr. Sanders!

[SANDERS]
You’ve created quite a dump, Trump.

[TRUMP]
I’m going state to state!

[SANDERS]
You’re outright agitating!

[TRUMP]
Great!

[SANDERS]
That’s rude

[TRUMP]
Honestly, it gets good ratings.

[SANDERS]
Drumpf –

[TRUMP]
Humph!

[SANDERS]
Is there anything you wouldn’t do?

[TRUMP]
No. I’m chasing every vote
and you know what?

[SANDERS]
What?

[TRUMP]
I’m getting some from you!

[ENSEMBLE OF VOTERS]
If you had to choose
If you had to choose

[KAINE]
It’s a tie!

[ENSEMBLE OF VOTERS]
If you had to choose
If you had to choose

[HILLARY]
It’s up to the delegates!

[ENSEMBLE OF VOTERS]
If you had to choose
If you had to choose

[HILLARY/KAINE]
It’s up to the Senator!

[VOTERS]
If you had to choose
If you had to choose

[KAINE/ENSEMBLE]

Hillary or Trump? (If you had to choose)
Hillary or Trump?

Choose
Choose
Choose!

[SANDERS]
Yo

[ENSEMBLE]
Oh!

[SANDERS]
The people are asking to hear my voice

[ENSEMBLE]
Oh!

[SANDERS]
The country is facing a dangerous choice

[ENSEMBLE]
Oh!

[SANDERS]
And if you were to ask me who I’d promote —

[ENSEMBLE]
Oh!

[SANDERS]
— Hillary has my vote.

[HILLARY/KAINE/ENSEMBLE]
Oh!

[SANDERS]
I have barely agreed with Hillary once

[HILLARY/KAINE/ENSEMBLE]
Oh!

[SANDERS]
We have fought on like seventy five different fronts

[HILLARY/KAINE/ENSEMBLE]
Oh!

[SANDERS]
But when all is said and all is done
Hillary has –

[DEMOCRATS TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]
governing experience!
a law degree! diplomatic experience!
geopolitical sense! bipartisan endorsements!
a very diverse constituency!
patience! compassion!
a history of reaching across the isle! actual plans!
the ability to listen!

[SANDERS]
Hillary has respect.
Trump has none.

[ENSEMBLE]
Oooooooooh

[HILLARY AND KAINE]
Well, I’ll be damned
Well, I’ll be damned

[KAINE]
Sanders is in your boat!

[ENSEMBLE]
Well I’ll be damned
Well I’ll be damned!

[HILLARY]
So?

[KAINE]
Berners, don’t waste your vote!

END HAMILTON METAPHOR HERE

#GunControl #NoShotsPlz

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A Lesser Known Parable

This morning, I was having trouble leaving the house  because of this situation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPHLQNyKFZ8&feature=youtu.be

So just to ensure I was late to work, I video taped my cat and sent his stunningly cute image to all my friends and family.

This, in response, from my father:

 

On Tue, Mar 18, 2014 at 1:32 PM, Dad wrote:

Well, Meta is awesomely cute!

However, I’m a little jaded right now about animals in general. My coworker has an adorable little dog that he brings to the office and it runs around and everyone the office loves it including me. An hour ago I had a meeting in my office about a funeral this Saturday. We had just sat down when the dog came in to say hello. Then he walked over between our chairs and took what a friend of mine used to refer to as “a righteous crap.” He is a small dog, but you wouldn’t know it by what he left on the floor. Besides the embarrassing clean up, I had to pull the storm windows off and open the office windows because the room had become uninhabitable!

What would Jesus Do?

Love, Dad

 

Apparently he’s never heard the Poo Parable. I guess that didn’t make it into the synoptic gospels. I’ll reproduce it here for your reference.

From the Gospel according to Herman:

One of the multitude came up to him and asked, “Lord, tell me how to spread your word and speak as you have spoken and I will go and tell it to my family, that they may learn as I have learned.”

And Jesus said to him, “Behold this little dog. He has no power of speech. All he says he says in barks and yips. He cowers close to the ground and accepts the pat of your palm, yet he is closer to the kingdom of heaven than you. For who among you can spread joy as he spreads joy with one pant of the breath? And who among you can give forth a mound of raw earth from his rear end greater in size than even himself? With one movement of the bowels this creature fills the whole room with absolute knowledge of his presence. So, too, does your Lord, my Father. So, too, is the kingdom of heaven apparent to those who know how to smell. Who will now ask to speak as I have spoken or spread words and not the mute aroma of his love?”

And the man came forth with bowed head and knelt at Jesus’ feet and said, “Teacher,” and took the pooper-scooper which the disciples then presented to him.

– Herman, 14:17-28

And that’s your scripture lesson for today.

Solutions

Dear TAs who keep emailing us because your labs/discussions have been cancelled and who therefore are getting snowed in by emails from your students asking what they’re supposed to do…

Well. It’s never a dull day in the arctic.

As you’ve no doubt heard, classes are cancelled tomorrow morning. We thought about defying the institution and attempting to lure students into class anyway by throwing a luau in Lab 223 complete with hula dancing (it’s like you’re dancing the double helix!), tropical beverages (made with 100% distilled water!), and a roast pig (can you say Bunsen burners?)… but then we succumb to exhaustion and cynicism and settled on a worksheet instead. Frigid Tundra: 1, Coordinators: 0. Maybe next round.

PS – YouTube is *shockingly* bereft of in-lab hula dancing videos, but I did find this gem on the science of hula dancing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgWtjcP492w

Accidental Satan Soup

I think I maybe added too much salt and pepper to my soup tonight in an effort to make it taste better. I say this because my mouth currently feels like the innermost circle of hell.

To be fair, my interior monologue upon taking it out of the fridge went something like this:

Inner Me With No Filter: Oh! We’re having the vomit soup for dinner!
Me-Voice Me: Julie! You MADE this soup, and you like it, it will be fine.
IMWNF: Yeah, I liked it the FIRST time we made it. You know, that time we made it well. That time we made it… edible?
MVM: You’ll eat it. And you’ll like it.
IMWNF: Incorrect. YOU will eat. I will hate it.
MVM: Fine. I’ll add salt and pepper. Now it will be delicious!
IMWNF: …maybe you better put in a little more.

And so I did. Seriously, I need to stop listening to that voice. The soup tastes FINE underneath the searing pain of salty dehydration and pepper-flames…

Image

The Meta Journals, Late November

Like any respectable (read: obsessed) cat owner, I make frequent notes on my cat Meta’s behavior and its implications for life on earth. Here are several collected from the past few days.

Nov 23, 1:46 PM, A Series of Evidence-Based Hypotheses 

When I hold up a toy, my cat runs away in anticipation of my throwing it. Then when I actually throw it, he merely watches it fall. He may be a Time Lord. Or a Buddhist Monk. I suspect his chances of making it into major league baseball are slimmer than previously understood.

Nov 23, 11:45 PM, General Observation

Cats are cray-cray. And I’ve just been informed that cray-cray is dead. I am several years late to this party. The metaphorical champagne is flat.

Nov 24, 3:57 PM, Delusions of Grandeur

My cat’s contribution to my thesis: “74444444444444444444444444”. Surely this has some sort of epic, 42-esque significance to him and provides a cryptic answer to one of life’s unanswered questions. Or, possibly, one of my research questions. Surely. I had better leave it in.

Nov 25, 2:01 AM, An Open Letter Not Initially About My Cat. But then, all open letters are about my cat.

Dear Abyss,

Your lessons are not comforting.

Still, I’m still grateful you are there for me to stare at and occasionally talk to.

In this way, you are much like my cat.

Julie

Nov 25, 2:28 AM, Paranoia Sets In, A Solution In the Form of SCIENCE Presents Itself

My cat may be digging a hole through the floor beneath my bed. I can hear determined scratching and he does not respond to my calls. Clearly, he is too far gone in his task to be roused from the flow state now. If I’m dead tomorrow, it will be because the bed and I both fell through this feline-engineered orifice, right into my rather strange neighbor’s room below. If the fall doesn’t kill me, I suspect one of her curiously jagged “decorations” will.

I’m betting Meta survives, but I doubt he’ll tell the world my story. I’m not sure how he manages to be both useless and lovable at the same time, but I should make an empirical study of it. What an impeccable combination of qualities.

More observations if I survive the night.